[My Diary] Ngày thứ 141 – The 3rd guy
We meet. We love. We get apart. Sometimes love is just love. I cant be a part of you. You never mean to be with me.
It seems pointless, but it’s just the way life goes on.
Someone once said, our life is a journey to find 3 “the one”: the one that you love most, the one that loves you most, and the one to stay with you. The last one, not really your “the one”, but just the one that shows up at the right place in the right time. I think it’s quite true. At least that’s what I have been through in my journey until now. I met the 1st and the 2nd. And now I’m waiting for the last guy.
How about you? Is your girl this time the last one? Does she give you the happiness that you’ve always wanted?
You shut me down so I dont know how you are now. Hope you’re fine. Busy enough to leave out all the troubles.
You may say I’m just too young. 22 and what the hell I know about love? Yes, maybe you’re right. I might not go through alot to see as much as you do. I know nothing much about this kind of affection but sacrifice and giving up. I love my mom so I give up my freetime to help her, to be there with her when she needs me. I dont complain about this. I volunteer. Yes, it’s love that make me do it with a smile on my face whether she ask if I were tired riding her each and every night in the cold wind.
It’s also love that made me giving you up. For I knew I was not and will never be the one that should be with you. And despite that I love you, I am not allowed myself fighting for that. Look on the bright side, I’ll never be let down or break up with you. Love’s so fragile sometimes and if you hold it too tight it’ll be broken. I want us to move on, so I have to let go. As nothing could be the same anymore. You’d never seen me enough to love me. And I’d seen you too much to know that you could not. Not now and not ever after.
Sometimes I wonder if I were too coward that I’d never really put up a fight for the thing that I want. I let you go, I let everybody go, as soon as I think “we’d never work out”. Yes I know I’m not a very brave girl. I can find a million reason not to be with somebody, rather than just one reason to be with him. But you know what, it’s so hard to open my heart to let anyone in. Not because I’m afraid he will not love me enough, but it’s my heart wanting too much that he cannot give me. I’m afraid that I hold him too tight and eventually our love will break. Remember I once told you that you haven’t known yet what I would do for the one I love. When I said it, I meant it. The problem is if I give my all and you go away, I’d be left with nothing and totally ruined. Just as you are, we’re all the same kind of person that giving our heart to our love. That’s why I have to control too hard, so I wont let myself go too far. It’s not you that would hurt me, it’s myself. So if I’m not sure you’ll be love me enough to take my love, I cannot take any further step. I rather spend the rest of my life missing you, than die with a regretful soul.
But I’d always have my one day with you. Oh boy, if only you knew that, but you were always that same old boy that my younger version fell in with. When I held you in my arms and felt your heart beating next to mine. When I fell asleep on your shoulders knowing you were kissing my hair. In one moment I truly believed that it’d be all possible, if I tried enough, to make you see, that you belong to me. One more fantasy that I let myself drifting in in that like-forever 10 minutes . But my older-me knew better and I knew that it was not enough. You would be always too busy chasing your in-dream girl and never look back to see me there. Or you might just think that I’d be there when you finally look back. U always take my love for granted dont you?
Just make sure dont take your girl for granted if you have ever won her. Probably you dont. That’s the girl in your dream isnt it? The one that makes you suffered in pleasured pain cause you open up to her so much. But that makes her more precious to you than I’d ever be.
It’s been 141 days passed by. How time flies! I’ve gone through it all. All dramatic love, all illusions, all fantasies. I guess I have enough of them. That, my friend, makes me older than my 22 alot. Sometimes I feel so old looking at me in the mirror – A old woman in the body of a young girl. My soul is still as a mirror. Maybe that’s why I cant write any good anymore. So sad. I love writing. It makes me feel alive. It’s okay. I will try to learn to write again. Not for you, but for my own soul. It’d be a shame if she died too soon dont you think? At least she will have to meet her Howl before she goes. Even if it’s the last thing she has to do.