[Me] Letter to my Sun
My dearest Sun,
At last I have found the courage to speak up my mind. Not directly to you, not yet. I hope there’ll be one day that you could read these words and understand my heart. but if that day never comes, then this is me speaking from the bottom of my heart, the feeling to one person that I have ran away from for many months.
If I have not seen you today, I might never give myself this chance. I didn’t want to go home then after returning my books. I sat there all alone, tried to escape from unhappy thoughts. Then a friend showed up and said something about his books and his appointment with his friends. The next thing I knew that I felt too pitiful for him that I offer to let me return his books for him. I just wanted to make the others happy as I was not. As he left and i was alone again, I started to feel so sad, so sad that tears almost fill my eyes. I felt so silly, crying for no reason like that. I made myself stand up and walked out door, thinking of having lunch in the canteen so that I could save myself from sadness. At the very moment I stepped out of the door and looked up, I could not believe in my eyes that you just walked out from the door across the hall too. I thought I might have been dreaming. For a second, I didn’t know what to feel, what to think. I used to imagine this moment thousand times before, that I would walk to you and say that I never want to see you again, that how I was angry with you for never answering my call. And there you were, and I just didn’t know what words to say. You were there. Suddenly, nothing was mattered anymore.
We walked together, having lunch then we walked back to your place. I sat there and wait to 2p.m to return the books, as I told you. But the truth was I didn’t want to leave at all. To be with you, somehow the hole in my heart was healed. I was at peace again. We talked about the future, about your plan, what to do after school. I also learned that today was your mom’s birthday – 18 Jan. I would remember this day as many days before when I was with you. Do you know how frighten the thought that I have to leave you again and not knowing when I will see you again. I tried stay away from that idea. But at the end, when I had to leave you again, I couldn’t help myself from the blue that I knew would soon consumes me right the second I walked out of your presence. But I had to anyway, so I made myself turn away and not look back. If i didn’t do so, I would never have enough courage to leave anymore. I knew, for one thing surely that, it was too late to get myself out of this web, that I was so much in love with you.
I don’t know if I could possibly put down this overflowing feeling in any kind of words or languages. I just know one thing, that I have never regretted about the day that I first met you. I might have done so many things that I wish i could re-do them again, but not this, not loving you. I thought I had known right on the first moment I saw you that I would fall in love with you. I know it sounds crazy. Trust me. It sounds very crazy even for me and sometimes I try to convince myself that maybe I was just making it up. But how could you imagine such a feeling for a person that you barely know? OR you’re really crazy. OR, it’s true.
I used to think that I have learned enough of love, enough to be smart to stay away and not get hurt. How stupid I am to believe in such silly thought. How could I be strong enough to resist love when I couldn’t resist you? My sunshine. I still remember the day we sat together in the library, face to face, apart a table. Something about your face, your look that caught my attention. If only you could know that all I were doing then was trying to stop myself staring at you. From that day on, I have become The Earth that can’t stop spinning around The Sun. My days turn to gloomy night without you in my sight. My nights turn to sunny days when I hear from you or even, read from you. I’ve never had a clue what it means to be driven mad out of love. But now I guess I finally do.
I don’t care what people say about how dumb I am to go on with this feeling. They don’t know what I know, they don’t feel what I feel. Even there are times that you words hurt me so bad and your indifference breaks my heart, I just know you didn’t mean to hurt me. You just don’t know your power over me and how you could hurt me with a single careless word. So I will not blame you for a minute my dear. I know love could be blind and mislead me in so many ways. But I can’t be wrong about you. You may be not the greatest person in the world, but the most decent and kindest young man that I respect with all my heart. You may be not the guy with the brain of Einstein, but you could create such wonderful things from a simple idea. You may not have a good sense of humor, but your stories coming out of your mouth always make me laugh so hard. And maybe you don’t have eyes those are blue and shape that is fine like a movie star, but it almost hurts me every time I make myself take my eyes off your face. And you may not know how to show me that you care for me, but I can always feel your tenderness in every touch of your eyes on me.
So tell me I’m wrong. So tell me that I should not love you just because you have never said that you liked me or gave me beautiful flowers and told me such sweet honey words. My dear Sun, maybe I was wrong and maybe your feeling for me is not the same as I feel for you. But that does not matter any more. I am still your Jane Eyre, even if you are not my Rochester. Always was, and always will.
I have been drowning myself in misery and sorrow and blaming myself for letting myself love you. I have been running away from love and convincing myself that love does not good but hurts me as it’s always done. Before I met you, I used to love someone very fondly, maybe just as much as I love you. But he turned out not the one that I’d thought he was. Eventually I was hurt. After that, I swore to myself I would never fall for anybody again. Do you still remember how distance and indifferent I was back then, don’t you? It was me hiding from the world… Until you came and wake me up to life.
Don’t you worry! I now see it crystal-clear that it’s not you who’s hurting me. It’s me. It’s been always me who poisoned my soul with self-pity and selfishness. Why should I demand someone to love me just because I love him? Love is to give, not to get. I see it now. I will never feel sorry for myself again. So my loving dear, even though your affection for me is not the kind I’m wishing to have, I cherish it still and thank you for everything. My time with you is the most precious memory that I will carry my whole life, even without you by my side.
The journey ahead me I must go alone, but I will be strong. I will live a full, happy life as you have showed me that the world out there has so much to learn, to love. I will go on, to live and if possible, to love again. And someday, if we meet again and if my affection for you remains unchanged, then maybe, our story will have a new chapter to be written.
I will not say goodbye till I see you again. So instead, good luck my Sun. Wish you all the happiness you deserve to have.